I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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