If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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