You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
