I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
