you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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