The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
