ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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