Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
