u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
