Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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