Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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