so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
