Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
