Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
