Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
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