Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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