so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
