I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
two words...techno handjob
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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