Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
