he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
your like the ambassador to my penis.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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