as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
i need some magic done to my vagina
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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