I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
