drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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