If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
