Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
