i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
