do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
