last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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