My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
