nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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