does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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