she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
