the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
