Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
