your parents love me but you hate me
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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