Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
