update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
