i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
