2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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