last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Randomize
