Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
