I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
