I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
