sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
where are you?
Hypothermia
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
