so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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