I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just puked most of my soul out..
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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