you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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