I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
