I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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