just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
